Leading with your own argument doesn’t change someone’s mind.

You walk in with the data, the logic, the compelling case. You’ve rehearsed your points. You believe in what you’re saying. And then you can’t understand why the other person isn’t moving.

Here’s what I’ve learned, both in my own leadership and in the work I do with clients: you cannot take someone somewhere new until you understand where they are standing right now. Influence is not about the strength of your idea. It is about how well you understand the world through someone else’s eyes.

Creating positive change in your organization requires this shift. It is the difference between pushing people toward something and actually bringing them with you.

So what does that look like in practice?

  • It starts with validation, not persuasion. When someone is frustrated, resistant, or dug in, the instinct is to correct them or push through. But resistance usually signals that a person doesn’t feel heard yet. Acknowledge what they’re experiencing before you offer anything else. “That sounds frustrating” goes further than a well-reasoned counter-argument. Meet people where they are, and then you can begin to move together.
  • It means getting genuinely curious about why someone believes what they believe. Not curious in a strategic way, as if you’re hunting for a weakness to exploit. Curious in the way a good Thought Partner is curious: trying to understand the logic from the inside. If you can articulate someone’s position as well as they can, you’ve earned the right to offer a different one.
  • Watch your language. “Should” closes doors. “Could” opens them. The moment you tell someone what they should do, you’ve created a power dynamic that rarely produces real buy-in. Ask what they could do. Explore it together. Ask what would need to be true for a different path to feel worth considering.
  • And wherever possible, let people shape the solution. The ideas people help build are the ideas they defend and implement. Ask what success looks like to them. Ask what’s at risk if nothing changes. Let the answers do the heavy lifting.


The goal isn’t to win the conversation. It is to build something together that neither of you could have gotten to alone. That’s where real, lasting change takes root.

Think about a situation right now where you’re trying to move someone who isn’t moving.

What would it look like to step into their perspective first, before making your case?

(Feel free to forward this Thought Partner to your state or congressional representative. 🤔 🤦🏻‍♀️)