This past month, I have invoked the wisdom of my Mother no less than four times with four different leaders, enough times for me to recognize a pattern and consider sharing this wisdom with our Thought Partner Network.
More than 25 years ago, fresh out of graduate school, I remember talking with my Mom about being “let down” by someone I was working with. I don’t recall the situation’s circumstances, but I remember being disappointed in either that person’s commitment to something or in my realization that we weren’t as close as I thought we were, something to the effect that my expectations of that relationship were not met. I remember my Mom telling me, “Stacy, it’s okay, you don’t have to invite them to Thanksgiving Dinner; not everyone gets that invitation.” That statement and that concept have stuck with me all this time, and when I found myself sharing that statement multiple times this past month, I thought maybe this is something worth digging into a little further.
It’s upsetting when we feel like we’ve invested more in a relationship than someone else, and it’s an interesting realization when you discover, “Oh, we had different interpretations of this relationship.” Neither one is right or wrong, just different.
Not every person can come to Thanksgiving dinner and that’s okay, not everyone has to. You can still have solid working relationships with both types of people. It comes down to trust and knowing the difference.
We all know how important trust is, but have you ever considered its two forms – Task Trust and Relationship Trust?
Task Trust (aka “Project Trust”)
Task Trust folks are reliable, dependable, and come through every time. With task trust people, you know things will get done—on time and with quality. It’s a transactional trust that doesn’t necessarily tap into the depths of emotion or vulnerability.
Task Trust relationships are built through actions and are worthy of cultivating. Here are a few tips to build and cultivate task trust relationships with members of your team:
- Empower with autonomy: Give your team choices in how they work, whether it’s flexible hours or selecting their projects.
- Delegate decision-making: Hand over responsibility, but provide guidance. Let people stretch their wings while supporting them with coaching and backup.
- Resist micromanaging: Task Trust is undermined by micromanagement. Offer freedom within clear goals and increase autonomy based on their maturity.
Relationship Trust (aka “Thanksgiving Dinner Trust”)
Thanksgiving Dinner Trust folks are people who make you feel seen, heard, and supported. Creating a Relationship Trust with someone allows you to be vulnerable, knowing they’ll care for you—not judge you, and support your best and worst ideas (with a dose of reality).
Relationship Trust requires openness and is built on honesty and vulnerability. Here are a few tips to build and cultivate relationship trust relationships with members of your team:
- Be vulnerable: As a leader, don’t pretend to have all the answers. Share your challenges and ask for input. It builds credibility and humility.
- Take accountability: Own your mistakes and lead with integrity.
- Tune in: Pay attention to how your team is doing, personally and professionally. Ask about their workload and career aspirations—and offer support when needed.
In an ideal world, we’d have both types of trust in our relationships, especially at work. But the reality is, sometimes you only have one.
You might rely on someone to nail every task, but you wouldn’t share your future career aspirations with them or invite them to Thanksgiving Dinner.
You may love spending time with a colleague and having them at your Thanksgiving table but sharing your most important projects with them might not be the best use of their skills.
Both relationships are fine and probably even necessary; it’s important not to be disappointed if you realize some won’t be coming to Thanksgiving Dinner.
(Thanks, Mom. You always have great advice.)
