Pushing people harder is not the same as helping people grow.

Many leaders I work with are great at raising the bar. They set high expectations, assign stretch projects, and hold people accountable for results. What they are less practiced at is the thing that actually makes the difference: turning a challenge into something a person genuinely wants to rise to, rather than something they feel they have to survive.


Challenge done unto others creates pressure.
Challenge done alongside others creates growth opportunities.

The first produces compliance and sometimes short-term results.
The second produces capability, ownership, and the kind of trust that makes your team want to bring their best to hard things. Over time, the difference between these two approaches is enormous, both for performance and for the relationship.


I have seen this play out multiple times across two decades of coaching and in my HR work. A leader assigns a big project, frames it as a development opportunity, and moves to the next thing. Six months later, they are frustrated that the person did not “step up”, or they needed too much hand-holding, or they appear burned out. Most of the time, what went wrong wasn’t a performance issue. It’s almost always a setup issue.


The setup works when it starts with questions instead of announcements.
Before you hand someone a challenge… 

  • Find out what they already know about themselves.
  • What kind of challenge brings out their best?
  • How does this particular stretch connect to where they want to go?
  • What strengths will it demand of them, and which of those feel ready to be tested?
  • What would make the difference between this feeling energizing versus overwhelming?


These questions are not soft or optional. They are the mechanism by which a person takes ownership of their own development. When someone answers those questions for themselves, the challenge stops being something that happened to them and starts being something they chose for themselves.

From there, the work of a good leader is to share ownership of the goal, connect the challenge to a purpose that matters to the individual, offer real choices where possible, calibrate the support to what the person actually needs, and then celebrate forward movement, not just outcomes. None of that is complicated. But all of it requires intention.


The mindset shift underneath all of this is moving from asking “how do I get this person to do what I need?” to asking “how do we both get stronger through this?” That reframe changes everything about how you show up in the conversation.


If you are working through a challenge like this and want a Thought Partner to think it through, I am here for exactly that type of conversation. You can reach me at stacy@sbjconsultinginc.com.


Think about the last time you challenged someone on your team.
Did they feel challenged with you, or challenged by you?