Thank you to those who responded and asked questions about last week’s Thought Partner, How to Receive Help. I love knowing there are real humans on the other side of my screen!

There was a common theme to the responses I received. Essentially, folks wanted to know what the “right” amount of help looks and feels like. What is too much, what is too little, and what is just right?

Given the accompanying picture, most of you probably know where I’m heading.

Whether you’ve heard reference to the Goldilocks Paradox, Goldilocks Principle, or Goldilocks Effect, today we’re going to discuss attempts at striking the right balance when there is more than one choice. 

How do you find “just the right” amount of something?

The short answer is probably not on the first try.
The longer answer is practice, trial and error, and social & self-awareness

Take confidence, for example. Too much confidence and you’re labeled egotistical and a pain to work with. Too little confidence and people may not believe you have the hutzpah to lead them and may not follow. But just the right amount of confidence means you have direction, believe in your path, and have the emotional intelligence to know when you want to survey stakeholders to ensure you’re still moving forward with support behind you. A little more complex.

The Goldilocks Paradox is about the best example I can offer to those who want to ensure they’re not helping too much, not helping too little, and helping just the right amount. 

Too much help…
1. Are you the first person people run to (even before they try to solve their problem)?
2. Are they disengaged? People who have become disengaged know you (or someone else) will pick up the slack, and they are no longer motivated to make an impact because they feel it doesn’t really matter.
3. Did you do the work (or 3/4 of the work) FOR them?
4. Did your direction morph from A and B suggestions to A, B, C, D, E….instructions?

Too little help…
1. “You got this; I’m sure you’ll come up with the right answer.”
2. “Don’t come to me with problems; come to me with solutions.” This statement is not as “leaderly” as you think it sounds. See Just Right for other things to ask.
3. “Since you’re so good at….., we’re going to give you….(the same type of project, the same type of client, the same thing you’re good at). Lack of challenge causes frustration and stagnation; if you’re the leader, doubling down on what your people are good at does not stretch them to know what else they could be good at.)

Just right…
1. Do people attempt to solve their issues or challenges on their own or with a peer before they come to you to soundboard their solution?
2. Do you know where people are on their “Challenge Meter”? Do they need more, do they need less? Ask them.
3. Before you offer any solutions or direction, get in the habit of asking:

  • “What have you tried already?”
  • “What are the three alternatives you’ve considered?”
  • “If I wasn’t here, what do you think you would do next?”

Finding the balance of “just right” is not easy. If it was, Goldilocks wouldn’t have burned the roof of her mouth on the porridge, tweaked her back on the hard bed, or sat in the chair that was too short. 

Life and leadership are trial and error.
The work, as always, is finding balance among the extremes.